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Assertiveness Essentials

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Assertiveness Essentials

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Assertiveness basics

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Kenneth Carmona
Kenneth Carmona
Costa Rica

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Assertiveness Essentials
 

Assertiveness EssentialsOnline version

Assertiveness basics

by Kenneth Carmona
1

What Is Assertiveness?

1.1 Dictionary Definitions

The dictionary definitions of “assertiveness” have a range of descriptions that don’t quite capture the essence of Assertiveness. You’ll read “dogmatic”, “forthright”, “positive”, “confident” and “insistent”. Don’t be fooled. These are only starting points. Assertiveness is much more than any of these.

1.2 Origins

One clue to the meaning of Assertiveness lies in its origins. Assertiveness came to most people’s awareness in the late 20th century in connection with movements such as Civil Rights in America, the women’s movement, and the self-development movement. These were all non-forceful movements and they were all successful in changing the rights of under-privileged groups.

1.3 The Assertive Journey

Writer Beverley Hare describes Assertiveness in terms of a journey. Her own personal journey to assertiveness took her from low self-esteem to high self-esteem; from dependence to interdependence; from believing she was unattractive to knowing she was attractive. Her journey to assertiveness was a life-changing and life-enhancing experience. This was her journey…

2

Origins of Assertiveness

2 The Origins of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is your birth right. It is the kind of person you were born to be. If you think about yourself as a newborn baby, you’ll know that your instinctive way of relating to the world around you was one of love, openness and honesty. That’s why others were loving, open and honest in return. However, things didn’t stay this way for long. As soon as your thinking brain kicked in, those around you started to fear for you. They saw dangers that you didn’t see and they, naturally, wanted to protect you. That’s when they started to teach you the strategies that they believed would keep you safe throughout your life. In this way, they trained you to behave in ways that were non-assertive.

3

The Assertive Journey

2.1 The Assertive Child

  • If you look at a baby, you’ll see all you ever need to know about how assertive you can be. A baby is unconditionally trusting; expresses its needs freely; and is endlessly curious and joyful about the world. A baby lives totally in the present and is free from a self-centred ego. A baby knows no fears; it knows only love.

2.2 The Protective Parent

In the early years of our lives, our thinking brains are undeveloped. We start to learn patterns of behaviour that are designed to protect us from a world that we are repeatedly told is hostile. Honesty of communication is replaced by guarded communication. Our freedom is restricted by do’s and don’ts.

4

Early Years Programming

2.3 Our Early Years’ Programming

They include the following 5 programmes:

  1. The Blame Programme
  2. The False Self Programme
  3. The OK Options Programme
  4. The False Life Script Programme
  5. The Personality Type Programme
5

To Stay the Same or Change?

2.4 To Stay the Same or Change?

By the time we reach adulthood, we each have it in us to act aggressively, non-assertively or assertively. Initially, we will unconsciously select a route that fits the survival, life-script and belief programmes of our Adult persona. Some of us may convince ourselves that the false self options of Aggression and Non-assertion will give us what we want in life. Others may seek to re-claim their Assertive birthright. None of us are ever likely to be wholly in one of the three modes.

6

Key Points of Origins

2.5 Key Points

  1. The origin of our different modes of behaviour as human beings lies in the way our brains work.
  2. The evolution of the human brain results in three different modes of behaviour: the child, the parent and the adult.
  3. The seat of our aggressive and non-assertive modes of behaviour lies in the instinctive parts of the old brain.
  4. As babies, we are fully assertive in the way we express our needs and relate to the world.
  5. As we grow, our thinking brains teach us to see the world as potentially hostile.
  6. To protect ourselves as we grow, we learn fear and anger, blame and punishment, manipulation and deceit.
7

Facets of Assertiveness

3 Facets of Assertiveness

Assertiveness has many facets. It is a way of behaving. It is a way of thinking. It is also a way of resolving conflict. These different facets are like the faces of a diamond; they reflect different views of the same thing. Here are the main facets of the Assertiveness diamond.

8

Winning and Losing

3.1 Winning and Losing

In every situation in which we have to work with others, it is primarily our thoughts and perceptions that influence our behaviour. Winning and losing options seem to be at the very heart of the way we run our societies. Our legal, judicial, political and governmental systems are strongly adversarial. They are about either-or choices.

9

Assertive Rights

3.2 Assertive Rights

Assertive rights are one of the trademarks of the assertive movement. These are not legal rights but basic human rights. They are not written down but stem from any situation you find yourself in. They include: the right to say No to things you don’t want to do; the right to be heard with respect; the right to stay quiet; the right to change your mind; the right to make mistakes.

10

My Bill of Rights and The Five Freedoms

3.2.1 My Bill of Rights

  1. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
  2. I have the right to express my feelings.
  3. I have the right to express my own opinions and values.
  4. I have the right to say “yes” and “no” for myself.
  5. I have the right to make mistakes without feeling worthless.
  6. I have the right to change my mind.
  7. I have the right to say I don’t understand.
  8. I have the right to ask for what I want.
  9. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems.
  10. I have the right to choose to be aggressive and unassertive if it is justified.

3.2.2 The Five Freedoms

Five freedoms of Virginia Satir’s version of assertive rights.

11

My Job Interview Rights

3.2.3 My Job Interview Rights

The following rights will turn a job interview from one in which the interviewer might be seen as having the upper hand into one in which both sides are equal.

  1. I have the right to be considered for this job on an equal basis with others.
  2. I have the right to be treated respectfully.
  3. I have the right to put my best self over.
  4. I have the right to believe I can succeed.
  5. I have the right to take my time in answering questions.
  6. I have the right to feel disappointed if I don’t get the job.
  7. I have the right to ask for the reasons why I was not selected.
  8. I have the right not to be browbeaten, humiliated or interrogated.
12

Acting Assertively

3.3 Acting Assertively

If Assertiveness doesn’t come easily to you, you can act your way into it. First, think win-win whatever situation you’re in. Then, when you are engaged in exchanges with others, relax. Be fluid, real and honest. Ground yourself in the present. Free yourself from fear. Every time you slip into one of the other modes of aggression or submissiveness, simply move yourself back into the open mannerisms of Assertiveness.
 
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